I had meningitis when I was very young, and my mother told me I got mild brain damage as a result. At five years old I was described by a paediatrician as being “a typical example of the hyperactive, minimally brain damaged child with compulsive behaviour and minimal powers of concentration.” 

I would’ve been okay though, if not for Marylands School. 

My early years weren’t happy, and my sister and I were taken away by Child Welfare and separated. I didn’t see her again until I was an adult and she tracked me down. My mother had problems and Social Welfare didn’t want me to be placed with my dad, even though he repeatedly asked to have contact with me. The few times I was allowed to live with him, everything went smoothly. 

I was six when I was sent to Marylands, the youngest boy there. On my first day, someone had defecated in the gym and one of the brothers accused me of doing it. He physically rubbed my face in the faeces. All the other boys laughed at me. 

Brother McGrath was a sexual predator. The first time he sexually abused me, I was sitting on his knee in the TV room. There were other boys there, and he started ‘twitching’ his penis against my buttocks. It was like he was acting out some of his fantasies. Later that evening he told me to come into his room, where he sexually abused me. I was horrified and scared. I went to one of the other brothers to tell him what happened, but he told me not to stir up trouble. I was beaten by one of the other brothers for ‘telling lies’ about Brother McGrath. 

Then Brother McGrath beat me – he stripped me naked and beat me with a cane. I was curled up in a ball on the ground. He beat me so severely that my knees cracked, and I still have scars. He then sodomised me, either with his finger, penis or the cane – I’m not sure. 

Brother McGrath always wanted to come into the dormitory and ‘cuddle’ us boys. If I refused, the next day I’d get a beating from him. He would strip me naked, beat the crap out of me, then sexually abuse me. He always threatened me to keep my mouth shut and told me that no one would believe me if I said anything. 

Once I ran away and he caught me. He beat me, then locked me in a room for a month. I got one meal per day – of mashed potatoes. He took everything out of the room except the mattress and sheets. He sexually abused me in that room, too. I used to scream and yell for ages in there. 

Brother McGrath would also kick me between my legs. One time my testicles got really swollen. I thought I couldn’t have kids – so later in life when my son was born, it was a real shock. 

When I was 10 years old, Brother McGrath caught me holding a pack of cigarettes belonging to another boy. As punishment, he made me sit in front of all the boys and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes. He made me inhale the smoke on each puff. This started my addiction to cigarettes.

My father wasn’t allowed to visit me at Marylands. My mother did visit me but because I’d had so many different placements in care, I hadn’t seen her for four years and I thought she was just another foster mother. 

Social workers didn’t care. I reported the abuse, and watched them write it up, but it’s not even in my social welfare file. Nobody listened, I was just sent back to Marylands. 

The brothers were treated like a law unto themselves. Brother McGrath had left the country by 1981 but he went on to sexually and physically abuse dozens of boys. The State should take some responsibility for this, because I told them he was an abuser. 

I went to many other care institutions as well as Marylands. I became depressed, I tried to take my own life at nine years old and I was angry, with a death wish because of all the rejection. I was only 13 when I was admitted to Carrington Hospital for psychiatric assessment, then I went to Lake Alice. 

As an adult, I was in prison more often than not. I’d learned to survive behind closed doors, because I’d become institutionalised. When I was out in the community, I couldn’t cope, so I committed crimes just so I could get back into jail. I’d been in institutions for so much of my childhood – they were just preparation for prison. 

Because of being in care, I had PTSD and chronic anxiety. I’m angry that throughout my childhood I was put in danger and into situations where I was harmed. I’m angry I wasn’t heard, and that my father was not given a decent chance with me. Things would have been different if I’d been placed with my dad. I suffer from nightmares and flashbacks about everything I’ve experienced, all rolled into one. 

I gave evidence in the two Marylands trials and after that I started trying to change myself so I could stay out of prison once I got released. I got out in 2011 and I haven’t been back to prison since then. 

Before, when I spoke up about Marylands, which resulted in Brother McGrath and Brother Moloney being convicted, I was only acting as the speaker for my demons. The full story couldn’t come out about how powerful the brothers were – they had us all to themselves, and they could hurt any defenceless little kid they liked. Now, I want my demons to be able to speak out about what happened in full detail. I want to be heard. I want justice to be served for all of us who were hurt by these monsters.