Name Mr NL
Hometown Palmerston North
Age when entered care 8 years old
Year of birth 1988
Time in care 1995–1997
Type of care facility Gisborne Health Camp
Ethnicity Pākehā
Whānau background Mr NL grew up in Napier. His parents separated when he was young and he has an older sister. Mr NL is dyslexic and suspects he had undiagnosed ADHD as a child.
Current Mr NL lives with his partner and has three sons; each has severe ADHD and one also has Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

“You just felt like a piece of shit – you were treated like you were scum, like you didn’t matter.”

I’ve been to pretty much every school in Hawke’s Bay, because I was an unruly child. I got labelled as a naughty kid, a difficult kid. Nobody seemed to really care why I acted the way I did – I was just naughty and that was it. Even if I didn’t do anything wrong, I would still get the blame.

Mum and Dad used to argue all the time, then they separated on Christmas Eve 1995. After that, there was an incident at school when another kid was giving me a hard time about my dad. Child, Youth and Family Services got involved and I was made to go to a health camp in Gisborne when I was about 7 or 8 years old.

It was a scary place. The dormitories were split, with older kids at the back of the dormitory and the younger kids up at the front of the dormitory. So many of the kids there were bullies, they just used to beat people up for no reason and get away with it.

If you didn’t do as you were told, you were forced to stand at attention, feet together, hands by your side, not allowed to move while everybody else was asleep. If that didn’t work, the supervisors would get the older kids onto you. I woke up at 5.30am one morning to find a group of three older boys with bars of soap in socks beating the shit out of me.

They had a time out room they used to put me in. It was small, carpeted and soundproofed. I was locked in there multiple times – no toilet, nothing. There was only one window, on the door – it had a slot on it, so then they could open it, look in, then close it. There was one light that was way, way up in the roof that I couldn’t get to. When I was in there I didn’t know if it was day or night, or even how long I’d been in there. I had to eat my dinner in there and I can’t even really remember if I was given anything to drink. The only time I was allowed out was to have a shower at night.

One time I kicked and kicked and kicked on the door until somebody came and I was pleading with them to go to the toilet. They just said, “Too bad, you should have thought about that before”.

Once I ended up going toilet in my pants. They pulled me out and paraded me up and down in front of the other boys to show them: “This is what happens if you don’t do as you’re told.”

I just felt like a piece of shit. I was treated like I was scum, like I didn’t matter. I’d never allow anybody to do that to my kids. I’d fight tooth and nail to bloody stop that from happening. Rather than help me, it was easier to just send me away somewhere. I’ve seen it with my own kids, too, “You’re unteachable, you’re unruly, we can’t teach you, we don’t want you”.

Being in the health camp fucked me up pretty badly. It really taught me not to trust people. I don’t have any friends at all. I’m really funny about meeting people and being around people. I used to be a big advocate for standing up for what’s right and I’d argue the point if I knew I was in the right, but I won’t do that anymore, I just shut down and walk away. Since I was at health camp I feel almost like I’ve got no emotions. I don’t really get that happy or sad, I’m just numb all the time. If you don’t show emotion and you don’t feel anything, nobody can use it against you – you can’t be a target.

I’ve had problems with drugs and alcohol. I don’t drink anymore because I got sick, but drugs have been such a big burden my entire life. I need to stop the drugs so there’s not that hold over me. Instead of spending money on drugs I can take the kids away for a holiday.

If my partner starts getting angry with me, she’ll get even more wound up because instead of talking to her I won’t talk. I'll just sit there and look at the floor and go quiet. Because that’s always been my response since I was in the health camp. I just shut down whenever there’s conflict and try and get away from it.

That’s why I don’t deal with people and that’s why I went farming. That’s why I’m a tree surgeon, because I don’t have to deal with people. I can avoid conflict. I can’t hear someone talking to me when I've got a chainsaw going. Cows don’t argue. Cows are quite peaceful to be around, lovely animals, and if you treat them right they’ll do exactly what you want them to do, whereas to me, most people are just out for themselves and all they can get.

In life, I’ve never been able to get anywhere because I keep doing the same stuff over and over again. I’m telling my story because it’s time to deal with that and hopefully be able to move on. [61]